I keep myself awake far too late at night.
In some twisted way it is an attempt to postpone the coming of tomorrow.
(spoiler: it never works)
Late nights are timeless, limbo-like places, but early mornings are full of dread (or perhaps potential); of to-do lists that remain endlessly incomplete.
In the state of ‘the night before’ you can promise yourself - poorly convince yourself - of all that you will accomplish the next day.
But soon it is the next day, the next day is the now, and it comes time to do all the things that need doing.
It is much less threatening to lay awake at night and while away the hours with an unproductive nothingness.
Less threatening, but also less brave.
It is something close to ironic that what leaves me the least courageous is the thought of fully participating in my day to day life.
This 2 am wakefulness is a false pretense under which I hide from my morning realities.
Oh my gosh, this is an incredibly kind message. I don’t know if I quite believe it, but thank you so much!!