A girl from tumblr is phoning me long distance so that I can give her my credit card number over the phone so that she can mail me some really expensive handmade underwear
HAHAHA OH TUMBLR HAHAHA
update: she has a very nice voice
Reaching out for help with your mental health does not mean you are weak or weird, it means you are strong and brave.
School is just an experiment to see which happens first: you failing all your classes or your liver failing.
bring me strong coffee in the morning
lay in bed with me in a way that feels indulgent not lazy
listen to our recent musical obsessions on repeat
play with my hair
hold my hand and absentmindedly stroke the top of my thumb with yours
take naps with me
tell me that you find my mind as captivating as you find my body
here is a haiku
honey, of your loveliness
It is strange how the heart works, how the mind works.
I used to think of you almost incessantly; now you are but a rare and fleeting thought.
You consumed me: now you elude me.
I once laid in bed and thought of you - thinking this was always how things would be, accepting you would always be at the forefront of my mind.
I don’t know when the drastic shift occurred, merely that it did.
You are no longer my constant.
You are no longer anything.
I like lots of things! I know that I come off as very whiny and discontent, especially on here, but the truth is I’m actually a really bubbly person and it’s SO easy to make me smile!
I like sparkles and glitter and hospitals and aprons and pearls and reading to people outloud and having my hair french braided and floral patterns and museums and flying on airplanes and Emily Haines and salt water in my hair and jokes about eggs and forehead kisses and cream coloured lace and and genuine kindness and bubbly alcohol and nurses and telling secrets to security cameras and dresses that twirl when I spin around and forget-me-nots and Just Right cereal and the smell of vanilla and shoes with bows on them and eyelashes and stickers and hearing someone’s heart beat in time with mine and doo wop and cream in my coffee and oxford commas and sweetheart necklines and cinnamon buns and being called sweet pet names and good eyebrows and the colours of fruit and the way the air feels near the ocean and sincerity and Anne of Green Gables and breakfast foods and pastel colours and playing anything composed by Handel on the piano and snail mail and dancing unabashedly and New York City and all sorts of hot beverages and taking naps with another person and poetry and seeing other people smile widely and Jenny Schecter and words and the sound of rain when I’m falling asleep and having late night conversations while sitting on kitchen floors and playing card games and polka dot bed sheets and live theatre and veins and knitting and feminism and raspberry jam and trains and wrought iron bed frames and libraries and skin on skin contact and CBC radio and holding hands and the fleeting moments when another person actually SEES me and makes me feel like I am visible and valued and real.
Thanks very much for asking me this question. It reminded me that even if I often feel forlorn, I do still like so very many things, and there are a lot of things in my life that bring me joy.
I’m really pathetic and a slow train wreck so by comparison you will always seem emotionally stable and like your life is on track and everyone will be impressed by you and your successful adultness.
I wish that “I couldn’t do my homework because I spent six hours laying in the dark crying and feeling bad for myself instead” was an acceptable excuse.p
The thing is, I am fully aware of everything that I need to do in order to achieve my life goals and dreams. My goals are all possibilities, and they are in my reach, at least theoretically. I know the things I need to be doing, and it just isn’t complicated. It’s things as simple as attending school so that I can graduate with my degree so that I can have the career and life I want; it’s as simple as going from A to B. It is.
I just need to go from point A to point B, it’s all I need to do, and I KNOW it. I do. And every day I feel like all around me I see everyone else doing this successfully. I see people proceeding on their intended path and going from point A to point B purely by doing what they know they need to do in order to succeed and to get what they want.
It isn’t impossible. It isn’t even hard. I just need to go from point A to point B and I can be happy and good at life for once. IT IS SO EASY.
Yet is seems like at some point I got lost between point A and B, and now I spend most of my time wandering aimlessly over around point Q, which mostly consists of watching too many shitty made-for-TV movies and eating too many snacks and drinking too much wine and going out too much and shopping too much and generally being an unproductive and irresponsible fake-adult.
The path I need to be on is so simple and achievable, yet it often feels like I am just trapped in a completely different world. Like I don’t know how to get from disastrous and destructive (yet oh so fun) point Q back to where I need to be.
And it’s really really frustrating, because I have made life so much harder for myself than it needs to be.